The Sue War
by Ariana Peverell
Summary: In order to consider yourself a soldier in the Mary Sue War, you must first pass this class. A My Immortal rewrite.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've decided to do a rewrite ( sort of ) of the infamous My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie. I've also censored all the cussing to make it suitable for pretty much everyone. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

The Coming of the Sue

A woman in a crisp suit cast her gaze around the auditorium.

She sighed. This was the third attempt at hosting this class, but no one came, and Sues continued to decimate the forces of the Original Characters and Canon Nation alike.

The woman – Ariana Peverall, cleared her throat.

"Good evening, class," _what class?_ She thought.

"Today we are going to discuss something that is absolutely vital to the war effort – how to turn a Mary Sue into an Original Character/Canon Character. A Mary Sue, for lack of a better word, is perfect. She is often a Dark creature known as a Self Insert, which are sometimes considered creatures fouler by far than even Dementors. Sometimes the Sue is a member of the Canon Nation, who has caught the deadly disease of Marisuitis, but, whatever the origin of the Sue in question, it is vital that we know how to stop Self Inserts and find a cure for Marisuitis. Only then can peace be restored to the Harry Potter Fandom."

She broke off, shuffling her papers and attempting to remember what she had been about to say.

"We shall begin by tackling the root of all Sues, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, also known as the Mother of the Sue Nation, or the Founder of the Sue Armies. In this class we shall learn how to rewrite Ebony and turn her into a proper Original Character. Only when you are able to do this seemingly impossible task can you consider yourself a fully trained soldier in the Sue War. I have divided each chapter into three parts. The Author's Notes, which are so terrible that the merit a section of their own, the Plot, and, finally, the chapter rewrite. We shall begin, of course, with chapter one's AN."

Ariana fiddled with the projector for a few minutes before getting chapter one up on screen.

 **Chapter 1.**

 **AN: Special fangz (get it coz Im goffic) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

"Now we shall correct the grammar and spelling, and eliminate unnecessary information, giving us this."

 **Chapter 1**

 **A/N: Special thanks to my friend, Raven, bloodytearz666, for helping me with the story. You rock! Justin, you're the love of my life, you rock too!**

Ariana turned back to the class.

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" she asked. "Moving on, we come to the plot of the first chapter. In the original the main plot points were: one, introducing Ebony, and two, establishing the second main character, Draco Malfoy. As you will see in this chapter, the author includes quite a bit of completely unnecessary information."

Several minutes of fiddling later, the first chapter was projected onto the screen.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major******* hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell). And I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I but all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace all around it and a black leather mini skirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eyeshadow. I was walking outside of Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

" **Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**

" **What's up Draco?" I asked.**

" **Nothing." he said shyly.**

 **But then, I heard my friends calling me so I had to go away.**

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

"We shall do as before, perhaps explaining more about the circumstances, editing and eliminating unnecessary information, which gives us this:"

 **I walked down the steps, enjoying the feeling of the raindrops against my pale skin. It had begun raining earlier, gradually thickening until the sun could not be seen. I loved being outside, but, being a vampire, I rarely got the opportunity to venture outside during the day, unless it was very overcast, as it was today.**

 **My name is Ebony Way, but don't you dare ask about my middle names. I would die of embarrassment if anyone ever found out about them. I have long black hair with purple highlights that reaches my mid-back, icy blue eyes, and, of course, very pale skin. It was Saturday, so I was wearing a black tank top, skinny jeans, and black rubber boots. Some people were staring at me, wondering why I was wearing no coat, as it was very cold, but being a vampire, that didn't bother me.**

 **I was wondering how long my best friend, Willow, would let me put off my homework this weekend, when someone caught my attention.**

" **Hey Ebony!"**

 **When I saw who it was, I nearly swore. Draco Malfoy, king of ferrets, had chosen this time to come bother me.**

 **Despite being in the same house, Draco and I had never really talked, so I was very surprised.**

"… **Hey," I said, not feeling enthusiastic at all. I hadn't been able to go outside during the day for several weeks, and I didn't want King Ponce to ruin the precious few hours I had outside.**

" **Nothing…" he said.**

 **I almost fell over. That was it, no snarky comment, no disparaging utterance of 'mudblood', no racist vampire slurs? Heaven knows I had gotten enough hostility from the other houses, and from some within my own.**

 **Maybe ferret should go see Madam Pomfrey, as he obviously wasn't feeling himself.**

 **A/N: Is it good? Please tell me, thanks!**

"Thank you for your attention. Class dismissed."

Ariana fled, knocking over the stack of papers as she went, not sparing a glance at the still empty auditorium.

A/N: So not continuing until I get at least one review!


	2. chapter 2

A/N: Special thanks to hickorydaisy, guestacular, and TheShulesLovinPyscho!

Chapter 2

Ariana Peverall looked around the empty auditorium. The Sue War was raging, and Ebony was leading the forces of the Sue Army, which was steadily gaining followers. But still only one had attended her class.

"Good evening, class. Today we shall be rewriting chapter two of My Immortal. This one's A/N is not quite so pathetic, but as the story goes on, they shall become steadily stranger, eventually reaching such levels of absurdity that several soldiers have cracked ribs from laughing so hard.

The main point we need to address in this chapter is the fact that a muggle band is giving a concert at Hogsmeade, wizarding Britain's only all-magical village. It is sometimes thought that this was the event that caused the crack in the Potterverse from which all Sues come. We shall attempt to at least plug this rip by changing it to, perhaps, a famous Quidditch team giving out signed autographs, or a known wizarding band playing at the concert. So without further ado, we shall begin chapter two's A/N rewrite."

The chapter popped up on the screen after Ariana was done fiddling (likely making the projector's malfunctioning worse).

 **Chapter 2.**

 **AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

"This one was not nearly so awful, and therefore requires hardly any corrections, but it needs corrections nonetheless. Here it is again, once rewritten."

 **Chapter 2**

 **A/N: Thanks to bloodytearz666 for helping me with the chapter! Please stop flaming my story!**

Ariana smiled with relief. This A/N was easily dealt with.

"Next is the plot. In the original the main plot points are: one, to introduce Ebony's best friend. Thankfully, we took care of that in the last chapter, thus eliminating the need to introduce a new character, which will confuse readers. The other points are, two, to establish that Draco may be feeling some sort of romantic attraction to her, and three, to have Draco act on that attraction and invite her to the concert.

The original was this:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

 **My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner).**

" **OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

" **Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

" **Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

" **No I so ******* don't!" I shouted.**

" **Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

" **Hi" he said.**

" **Hi." I replied flirtily.**

" **Guess what." He said.**

" **What?" I asked.**

" **Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." He told me.**

" **Oh. My. *******. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

" **Well…. Do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

 **I gasped.**

Ariana winced.

"Awful, I know. Now we shall rewrite this chapter, including, but not limited to, the corrections we discussed. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **The next day I was woken up the same way I have been for the last six years. With a pillow to the face. I groaned and rolled over, mumbling about Sundays and sleeping in. The pillow was quickly followed by a sneaker. I sat up and glared at the perpetrator, Willow. As I rolled out of bed, I noticed that it was still extremely overcast, meaning, to my delight, that I could go outside again.**

 **I quickly shrugged on a green sweater, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. Willow was already dressed, so we went out of the common room and began climbing the stairs on our way to the Great Hall for breakfast.**

 **Willow had a mischievous grin on her face.**

" **So," she began, "I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday."**

" **Mmhm," I mumbled, doing my best to sound uninterested.**

" **Do you like him?" she asked, giving me a playful poke.**

" **No!" I said quickly. Too quickly.**

 **Willow smirked. "Ebony likes Feeerreeet! Ebony likes Feeerreeet!" she sang.**

" **Will you be quiet?" I hissed.**

 **Once in the Great Hall, the first thing I noticed was, of course, Draco Malfoy.**

 **Ferret was talking to another of our yearmates, Blaise Zabini.**

 **Zabini smiled at him before shoving Draco in my direction.**

"… **Hi" he said. He sounded quite nervous to me, something that rarely, if ever, happened.**

" **Hey" I said, equally nervous. Why was he talking to me?**

" **Um, I, uh, saw a notice on the common room board… uh, the Holyhead Harpies are giving out signed autographs, and Sixth year and up can go," he said.**

" **Really?" I asked, trying and failing to hide my excitement. I loved the Holyhead Harpies.**

" **Well, I know you're a fan, and, um, will you go with me?" he stammered.**

 **I considered my options. It was just one date, I was sure he couldn't be that much of a git. I could always ditch hm and go find Willow if things got too bad.**

" **Okay," I said.**

 **He went back to Zabini, looking more pleased than usual.**

 **Willow snorted.**

" **Don't like him, suuuure," she said.**

" **Oh shut up."**

Ariana smirked.

"This concludes chapter two. Class dismissed."

She rushed off the podium, faithfully knocking over the stack of papers as she did so.

Was it just her, or was there some movement in the dark depths of the auditorium?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks to everyone who's viewed/reviewed! I'll try to update Wednesdays and Sundays, how does that sound

Chapter 3

The Tear in the Potterverse

Ariana walked briskly to the podium, looking around the auditorium. She almost fell over in shock.

Were those… _people_ sitting there? And three, no less?

"Good morning, class," she said briskly, quickly recovering from her shock. "Today we shall be rewriting chapter three of My Immortal. Chapter three is often referred to as The Tear, meaning the Tear in the Potterverse from which the Sue armies flow. We shall continue to attempt to plug the gap by, you guessed it, eliminating Good Charlotte from this chapter entirely. Again, the chapter is in three parts. We shall begin, as always, with the Author's Note. Here it is:"

 **Chapter 3.**

 **AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! Odderwize fangz 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reviews! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! Oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chrallotte.**

"As you may have noticed, the A/Ns are already getting worse. Thankfully, this one, again, is not so bad and is very easily dealt with. Here it is again:"

 **Chapter 3**

 **A/N: STOP FLAMING MY STORY! Otherwise thanks to anyone who gave me good reviews! Thanks again, Raven! By the way, I don't own Harry Potter or the lyrics for Good Charlotte.**

"Now that we've fixed that, we shall move on to the plot. In the original, the main plot points of the chapter were: one, to attend the concert, and two, have Draco act on his attraction to her. The original chapter was this:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather mini dress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I** didn't **put on foundation because I was pale any way. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

 **I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car, He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show to), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (a lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) .**

" **Hi Draco!" I said on a depressed voice.**

" **Hi Ebony." He said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

" **You come in cold, you're covered in blood**

 **They're all so happy you've arrived**

 **The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom,**

 **She sets you free into this life." Sang Joel (I don't own the lyrics 2 dat song).**

" **Joel is so ******* hot," I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

 **Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

" **What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed the music. Then I caught on.**

" **Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

" **Really?" asked Draco all sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

" **Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary ******* Duff. I ******* hate that little *****." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blond face.**

 **The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got some GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back to the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back to Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**

"As you can see…" Ariana broke off. The room started to shake, she looked up, and continued. "As you can see, every time this chapter is written or read, the Potterverse trembles at the sheer absurdity of a muggle band playing in Hogsmeade. We shall rewrite this chapter, changing the concert to an event in which the Holyhead Harpies, Britain's only all-female Quidditch team will sign autographs and have pictures taken. Keeping in mind that we are already changing the plot, the original and rewritten versions will start to differ greatly in about five chapters, around the time that the Sweater Saga begins. Raven was really the only thing keeping Ebony at regular Sue level. Once our dear friend Raven left, Ebony rose up to become The Mother of All Sues. Her unedited story opened a gap in the Potterverse from which the Sue armies rose, beginning The Great Sue War, which is still raging today.

Here is the rewritten version:"

 **Forty pairs of stilettos, seven dresses, twenty-three various kinds of makeup, and one tantrum later, I was ready to meet Draco in the Slytherin common room.**

" **You sure about this?" asked Willow.**

" **For the last time, Willow, it's just one date. What's the worst that could happen?" I said, growing annoyed.**

" **He could-"**

" **Willow!" I shouted, exasperated at my friend's incessant nagging. "I'll be fine," I continued, calmer, "We're just going to get autographs and grab a few butterbeers, nothing more."**

 **Willow still looked doubtful, but let it drop, for once.**

 **I walked down the stairs, too deep in thought to slide down the banister like I normally do. Draco was waiting at the foot of the stairs.**

" **Hey!" he said, almost disgustingly cheerful.**

 **I am such a pessimist.**

" **Hey…" I said, not sharing the same enthusiasm.**

 **Draco, possibly nervous (wait, what? Malfoys do not get nervous! Preposterous!), nattered on about trivial things, the rain (turns out he likes it just as much as I do), the Harpies, Quidditch (sometimes I think that's all boys care about….), the new broom that was coming out soon (Firebolt Version 2), his father, and more Quidditch (a few "Damn you, Potter!" s thrown in for good measure).**

 **I didn't need to say much, just saying "Hmm" and "Yeah" whenever Draco stopped to draw breath (which wasn't that often, honestly, he was talking so fast, I thought he was going to pass out).**

 **We finished the walk down the last stretch of road in silence. It began to drizzle again.**

 **The line was backed almost to the Shrieking Shack. I groaned. The Harpies had gained a lot of popularity this year, winning game after game. It would probably be at least two hours until we got to the front of the line.**

 **We trudged, slightly put out, to the back of the line. Willow joined us soon after, giving Draco her Death Glare™. I frowned at her, wishing she would give him a chance… wait, where did that come from? King Ferret had never joined in teasing me, but didn't prevent it, either.**

 **It started to rain in earnest, the cold evening turning the rain to a mushy sleet. I scowled, wishing the rain- proper rain- not this slushy mess, would come back.**

 **We made small talk for a bit, eventually falling silent as it got colder – and wetter. After a while everyone stopped talking, huddling against the wind, pulling their coats up and wiping their faces free of the ice that clung to the fringes of their hoods.**

 **Eventually we got to the front of the line. Gwenog Jones signed the autographs with a practiced hand, barely glancing at the parchment, smirking slightly at our wet clothes and generally miserable expressions.**

 **We hurried out, almost sprinting the hundred yards or so to our favorite pub, The Three Broomsticks.**

 **Madam Rosmerta spotted us almost instantly and hurried over.**

" **Three Butterbeers?" she said briskly.**

 **A small smile flickered across Draco's face. "You guessed it."**

 **We made our way to a small table by the fire – miraculously, no one had taken it yet, even though it was in an ideal spot for warming up. Madam Rosmerta got us our Butterbeers fairly quickly, only a three or so minute wait. We sat with our backs to the flames, soaking in as much warmth as we could. The Butterbeer warmed me up from head to toe (I still wonder how Butterbeer does that, seeing as I'm a vampire). Small note, vampires aren't always icy. We can't produce body heat, meaning that we're always at room temperature. Right now, for example, my back will probably feel a bit hot, but my front will feel fairly chilly. Just thought you should know.**

" **Enjoying yourself?" Draco asked.**

" **I guess," I said. "It was a bit cold, though," I added as an afterthought.**

 **He nodded vigorously.**

" **The Harpies are doing exceptionally well this year," he noted. "I think it's probably due to their new Seeker. Their old one was, to be frank, mediocre at best."**

" **Their Chasers make a strong team," I put in, happy to talk about my favorite team. "And their Keeper is quite good, but their Beaters' could use some work."**

 **Willow left soon after, but Draco and I stayed by the fire, sipping our Butterbeers and talking long into the night.**

 **Maybe – just maybe – Draco wasn't so bad after all.**

"This concludes the rewrite of chapter three," said Ariana, turning so fast that she knocked her stack of notes over, and hurried out the door.

A/N: Reviews….. FEED my SOUL! BWAHAHAHAHAH!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Special thanks to GunsFallSilent, Allgirlstreehouse, guest, and another guest. Again, I've kind of censored the *shudders* lemon, as, one, I'm finicky about ratings, and don't want this to be M, and two, it was so awful it made my eyes burn. I don't think my poor fingers can take typing out that three-sentence *cringes* _thing._ I have decided not to censor Dumbledore's epic line of absolute epicness, simply for the reason that the line is practically the only line that didn't leave me cringing. Ooh, I've just remembered, see my homepage for disclaimer. Also, first kiss/romantic scene I've ever written, so feel free to tell me if it sucks.

Chapter 4

In Which Dumbledore is Epic

Ariana walked briskly to the podium, hardly daring to look up. Would her students come again? Would they take care not to create – accidentally or otherwise – a Sue? Would they arm themselves with the best of Sue destroying knowledge, and continue the war against the Sues that were invading the lands of Fanfiction, Canon, and Fanon alike?

Tentatively, she looked up. They had come. Ariana breathed a sigh of relief, gathering her wits and preparing her speech.

"Good evening, class. This time we shall work on rewriting the fourth chapter of My Immortal. This chapter is the first of Tara's, ahem, 'lemons', needless to say we shall work on that. Another important issue to address in this chapter is the severely out of character Dumbledore. While absolutely hilarious, Dumbledore's conduct in this chapter is neither canon Dumbledore, nor Fanon. Tara created a new Dumbledore, unleashing even more chaos in the already unstable land of Fanfiction.

Now we shall go on to the A/N. As we noted in the last lesson, the Author's Notes are already beginning their steady descent into utter idiocy. This one begins their awful decline, with Tara vehemently defending her twisted reality, adding new details to the story without actually putting them in the story, which is very bad author conduct, unless it is to inform the readers of a timeline change, or that a character that died in Canon is alive in their Fanfiction. Here is the original:"

 **Chapter 4.**

 **AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

"Filled with typos, insulting the readers, nonsensical reasoning, bad grammar. In other words, the very epitome of a badfic. We shall correct the grammar and spelling, rid the poor thing of awful writing, and correct the general god awfulness of it. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **Chapter 4**

 **A/N: To all the flamers, Ebony is (hopefully) not a mary sue. Draco does not act normally around her because he is in love and cannot approach her without fear of her rejecting him. Thus, the reason he is OOC.**

"On to the next part of our lesson, the plot. The Original's plot was basically to have Draco and Ebony cement their romantic relationship, and to have them get in trouble for their relationship for the first time. The Rewritten shall stay much the same, excluding the 'lemon' and them getting in trouble. Draco shall, instead of having sex with her, kiss her, because, as previously stated, he is afraid of rejection.

Here is the original chapter:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

" **DRACO!" I shouted. "What the **** do you think you are doing?"**

 **Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.**

" **What the ****ing hell?" I asked angrily.**

" **Ebony?" he asked.**

" **What?" I snapped.**

 **Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

 **THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN DEEMED UNFIT FOR HUMAN EYES. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, ANYWAY.**

" **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS!"**

 **It was… Dumbledore!**

"We shall rewrite it, keeping in mind the previous rewritten chapters and the significant plot changes, which gives us this:"

 **The Three Broomsticks was almost completely empty by the time Draco and I finished our last Butterbeers. It had progressed to snowing outside, mixing with the layer of slush that was already on the frozen earth.**

 **Draco put the money – six Galleons – on the table, just by the ample pile of Butterbeer bottles. We hadn't paid attention to the time, talking well past midnight. It was about one thirty now.**

 **We bid a sleepy Madam Rosmerta goodnight, shrugged on our coats, and ventured into the freezing snow.**

 **I hurried to the gates of Hogwarts, keeping my head down against the heavy gusts of wind that were now blowing with – pun absolutely intended – gusto.**

 **We pushed open the doors to the Great Hall with as much enthusiasm as a wet cucumber, tired after staying out so late.**

" **So," said Draco, "did you have fun?"**

" **Yeah, I bet that was one of the only times I'll get to see the Harpies in person! I can't get to a lot of their games, because, well, you know…" I broke off, slightly ashamed that I had said so much.**

 **Draco smiled. He looked, at least to me, rather handsome with frozen clothes, dripping wet hair, and humongous bags under his eyes…. Nah, who am I kidding? He looked awful.**

 **He leaned in closer, our faces almost touching. I blushed. Then, he kissed me. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer, deepening the kiss…**

" **Ahem."**

 **We broke apart. Oh, sweet Merlin. It was Dumbledore.**

 **He smiled that annoying grandfather oh-you-naughty-children smile.**

" **I do believe it is getting very late, Mr. Malfoy and Miss Way, you would do well to get yourselves to bed."**

 **I would have turned pink, had there been any blood in my veins. Draco nodded.**

" **Yes sir, we were just getting to our common room, sir, we'll be on our way now," he said.**

 **We hurried to our common room, not speaking. Draco looked sullen, wearing a scowl that was, I must admit, positively adorable.**

 **Don't tell anyone I said that.**

"Thisconcludestherewriteofchapterthree," Ariana babbled, running out the door.

A/N: *makes puppy dog eyes* Pwease tell me how the kiss scene was, pwease?


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Special thanks to GunsFallSilent and Guest! Remember how I said I would update Wednesdays and Sundays? Yes, well, I lied. Tara is really getting to me, so I've decided to do a My Immortal Commentary. It is going up on Sunday, and from now on this shall only get Wednesday updates, while the Commentary shall get Sunday updates.

Chapter 5

Can't Think of a Chapter Title for This One

Ariana was already at the podium when the class started, for once. The students, her regulars and some new students, who would hopefully stay for the lessons to come, wandered in gradually, filling almost the first three rows. She silently counted down the seconds until the class began.

She cleared her throat.

"Good evening, class. Today we shall be rewriting chapter five of My Immortal. In this chapter you shall notice how negligent the staff are. We shall correct this in due time."

She looked down at her notes, then continued, "As there are no major issues with this chapter, we shall begin the A/N rewrite. Here is the original:"

 **Chapter 5.**

 **AN: STOP flaming! If u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating until I get five good revoiws**

"Terrible spelling and grammar, and once again Tara refuses to acknowledge that there may be flaws with her writing. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **Chapter 5**

 **A/N: Please stop flaming. If you do you are either incredibly insensitive to the author's feelings, or are just spreading hate. I'm not updating again until I get five more reviews!**

"Now we shall move on to the second part of our lesson, the plot. In the original the main plot points were to, one, have the confrontation with the Professors, and two, to have Draco comfort her. In the rewrite, we shall change the Professor confrontation to Willow being angry at her friend for staying out late with a former Death Eater, and not informing anyone. We shall not have Draco comfort her because we know for a fact that boys cannot enter the girl's dormitories in Gryffindor, so we can safely assume that there is something similar in place with the other Houses.

Finally, the rewrite. Here is the original:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Dumbledore made Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.**

" **You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

 **I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor Mcgonagall who were both looking very angry.**

" **They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

" **Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor Mcgonagall.**

" **How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

 **And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

 **Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor Mcgonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go to your rooms."**

 **Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

" **Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

" **Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace around it and black high heels. When I came out…**

 **Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back to his room.**

"As I mentioned earlier in this lesson, in this chapter the staff are completely negligent. They had just let two students who were in trouble for having sex go to their rooms without supervision, resulting in one of them sneaking into the other's dormitory. We shall, of course, correct this. We shall now rewrite this chapter, keeping in mind the plot changes already made to the story in previous lessons, and the changes discussed in this. Here is the rewrite:"

 **I said goodnight to Draco, leaving him at the foot of the stairs leading to the girl's dorms. I was half way up them when I remembered.**

 **I had promised Willow to be back by midnight. What would she be thinking? She must be out of her mind with worry. Although Draco had been forced to take the Dark Mark, he had still been a Death Eater. Willow had made me promise, again and again, to not stay out to late or go anywhere with Draco without telling someone.**

 **And here I was, at two in the morning, having chatted to Draco and drank Butterbeer all evening without thinking to Floo her or tell her anything about our plans.**

 **I put my hand on the door to our shared dorm, then hesitated. I knocked timidly, dreading the vicious tongue-lashing that awaited me on the other side. Hearing no reply, I opened the door carefully, hoping, despite what my gut told me, that Willow was asleep.**

" **WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!"**

 **No such luck for me, then.**

" **YOU STAYED OUT PRACTICALLY ALL NIGHT WITHOUT TELLING ME! HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT, WAITING HERE, KNOWING THAT YOUR BODY COULD BE LAYING IN KNOCKTURN ALLEY, NOT TO BE DISCOVERED UNTIL THE MORNING! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN LAYING DRUNK IN THE SHRIEKING SHACK FOR ALL I KNEW!"**

 **Willow stopped, at last, to draw breath. I seized the chance.**

" **We never left the Three Broomsticks, Willow, Madam Rosmerta was watching us."**

 **Willow turned a deeply unpleasant shade of puce. I honestly thought that she was going to pass out. She deflated, slowly returning to her usual pale color.**

 **She let out a sigh. "Fine," she said, "but don't think for one second that I'm going to let you get away with this."**

" **In fact, you, young lady, are grounded!" she finished triumphantly.**

 **I was stunned.**

" **But… but… you can't…" I stuttered.**

" **I most certainly can!" said Willow.**

" **Oh, fine," I said. I was too tired to argue. I threw on my pajamas and slipped into a deep sleep.**

"This concludes the rewrite of chapter five," said Ariana.

She took a deep breath. This time she would walk out the door like a civilized person….. she would….. Ariana turned and bolted for the exit.

A/N: Review, pwease? Pwease? See, I want weviews so badwy dat I'm wisping…. Pwease weview…..


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Special thanks to….. um… darn. I've forgotten who's reviewed. I'm going to take a wild guess…. GunsFallSilent and Guest? Well, if you reviewed, thanks! There is mild language in this chapter.s

Ariana was at the podium when class started, again. She watched the students trickle in, filling up several of the front rows.

She shuffled her notes, watching the clock carefully.

"Good evening, class. Today we shall be rewriting chapter six of My Immortal. There is only on major issue with this chapter, the bastardization of Harry Potter. She not only moved him from Gryffindor to Slytherin, but her excuse for this is that now he is a goth, and all goths are in Slytherin.

Moving characters to different houses is fine, so long as they are put in a different House from their Canon counterparts during their Sorting. For example, Hermione never finds out about Dumbledore being in Gryffindor, or was bullied by a Gryffindor student during the train ride, and as a result, is in Ravenclaw. Or perhaps Hagrid never tells Harry that Slytherin is a bad House, or Draco never confronts him on the train, leading him to be placed in Slytherin.

However, moving Houses during their school years is unacceptable.

As there are no more major points to discuss in this chapter, we shall move on to the A/N. Here is the original:"

 **Chapter 6.**

 **AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

"We will correct grammar and spelling errors, rewriting it into a respectable A/N asking a flamer to leave her be. Here is the rewrite:"

 **Chapter 6**

 **A/N: Please stop flaming, or I will report you. I won't update until I get some more reviews!**

"Now we shall move on to the second part of the lesson, the plot. In the original, the major plot points were to one, introduce Harry, and two, to have Ebony strike up a friendship with him. In the rewrite, we shall change this to Ebony striking up a friendship with a girl in her House that she has no previous connection to, Daphne Greengrass. She shall first begin interacting on a regular basis when Daphne approaches her and asks for tutoring in Herbology, a subject Ebony excels in.

Now the last part of the lesson, the rewrite. Here is the original chapter:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

 **In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula with blood instead of milk and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**

" **Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying that when I looked up cause I was looking into the face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

" **I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

" **That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

" **My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

" **Why?" I exclaimed.**

" **Because I like the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

" **Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

" **Really?" he whimpered.**

" **Yeah." I roared.**

 **We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**

"Now we shall rewrite the chapter, keeping in mind the changes already made to the story, as well as the changes discussed in this lesson. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **I was woken up the next day with the usual pillow/sneaker arrangement. With a groan I remembered the previous night's argument. I bet Willow would give me the Silent Treatment until she considered me punished enough.**

 **I looked around the room, Willow had evidently fled downstairs to the showers, and the curtains were closed, meaning that the sun had come back out. I grabbed a few things, and went to the showers myself.**

 **Once out of the showers, I dried my hair using a Drying Charm, and put on my sadly boring uniform. I squinted into the mirror, and noticed with no small amount of dismay that I would need to get my highlights redone soon.**

 **Willow hadn't waited for me, so I went up to the Great Hall, silently cursing whatever deity was listening that I hadn't remembered to tell her that I would be staying out late. I sat down next to Willow, who was stubbornly ignoring me, and my usual cup of blood (animal blood, contrary to popular belief) appeared in front of me, courtesy of the Hogwarts House Elves.**

 **I was just finishing my breakfast, when, to my utter dismay, Daphne Greengrass tripped over the leg of the bench, and landed unceremoniously in my lap, spilling the remaining blood all over us both.**

" **Bitch!" I shrieked.**

 **Then I remembered who I was talking to.**

 **I gulped. Her eyes – those freezing eyes that had given rise to her infamous nickname – turned to look at me.**

" **Would you care to repeat that, Way?" she asked, her voice dangerously soft.**

 **In my infinite stupidi- er, wisdom, I decided to reply.**

" **Bitch," I repeated, my voice louder than I meant it to be.**

 **The entire table turned to look at me.**

 **Oops.**

 **Greengrass clambered upright. She took out her wand. I honestly though that she was going to hex me, until she pointed her wand at the blossoming red stain on the front of her robes, and muttered "Scourgify". I breathed a sigh of relief, fumbling with my wand in an attempt to do the same.**

 **I dropped my wand, probably doing a credible impression of Lockhart's general expression.**

 **Greengrass rolled her eyes, pointing her wand at the stain on my robes and cleaning them with a flick of her hand.**

 **I muttered a grudging "thanks" before diving under the table to try and drown myself. Or recover my wand. Whatever works.**

 **When I emerged from the dark depths of underneath the Slytherin table, I discovered that Greengrass had** _ **not**_ **left, and was sitting in the empty seat beside me.**

" **So," she said, looking not unlike a Hippogriff," I need help with Herbology."**

 **She looked disgusted by the thought.**

" **Why not ask Longbottom, then?" I said grumpily.**

" **I can't ask a Gryffindor for help!" she snapped, "and, as much as I am loathe to admit, you're just as good as he."**

" **So?" I asked, dreading her reply.**

" **Will you – ah, tutor me in the subject?" she choked out, not looking at all pleased.**

" **I guess," I said, then instantly regretted it when the implications of such an arrangement sank in. But by the time I had worked it out, Greengrass had up and left.**

 **I cursed – silently this time.**

 **Of all the people, why her?**

Ariana took a deep breath. The students tensed, waiting for her to dash to the door.

"This concludes the rewrite of chapter six," she said.

Thirty seconds later, the students realized she wasn't going to run, and gradually left, until Ariana was left in the middle of the empty auditorium.

She bolted for the door.

A/N: Review! Please? Please? *pokes readers* Review?s


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Special thanks to anyone who's reviewed! Anyway, I had this chapter ready and I thought, why not? Two chapters in one day, aren't you lucky!s

Chapter 7

In Which Ebony is Incredibly Mary Sue

Ariana shuffled her notes. Five… four… three…. Two….

"Good evening, class. In this lesson we shall rewrite chapter seven of My Immortal, and we shall discuss more about the nature of Sues.

"There are no major issues in this chapter, other than the increasing Sue-ness, so we shall move on to discussing the natures of Sues

"There are many kinds of Sues, the most common – and most dangerous, being the Self Insert. Self Inserts are varied in nature, most fall under the category of Sue, but some, like myself, are for the Fanfiction side. I am, technically, a self-insert. Many of you will have noticed that my name, Ariana Peverell, is the name my creator chose to be her pen name, and I behave much like my creator does when talking about something technical, for example, when my creator, who shall henceforth be called C, is talking about her robotics team to an opposing side. C has a lot of fun doing that.

"Mary Sue Self Inserts are generally an absolutely perfect version of their creator, and are almost always super-powered, or are constantly in need for the hero to rescue her. Some are both, like the Twilight Saga Sue Bella Swan, who is, sadly, the actual protagonist and not in Fanfiction."

Ariana shook her head sadly, "I greatly fear for the land of Twilight, which is completely overrun with the most disgusting kind of Sue, the Canon Sue. Because let's face it, people, Ginny is a Sue. She looks like Lily Potter, she's an awesome fighter, she led DA, she's Ron's sister, and she married Harry. Gah. C hates Ginny Weasley with a passion, and as I am a Self-Insert, so do I. I reflect my creator's opinions and beliefs, but as I am only here to narrate the changes made from Original to Rewrite, and kick-start the plot, I'm not threatening to well written Fanfiction, and am one of the sadly few good Self-Inserts.

"Now we move on to the last main kind of Sue, the Fanon Sue. Fanon Sues include genius!Hermione godlike!Harry, and suddenlyallangstyhotandaperfectmatchforHarry!Ginny, which sadly appears in Canon as well. These Sues/Stus are very annoying and should be avoided at all costs.

"Now that we've cleared that up, we shall move on to the A/N rewrite. Here is the original:"

 **Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life**

 **AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da next chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**

"Now we shall rewrite it, correcting spelling, grammar, and general rudeness. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **Chapter 7**

 **A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'll report anyone who flames the story, though.**

"Considering that Rewritten!Ebony isn't a Mary Sue (hopefully, C hasn't gotten to the character development yet, and she's very young (twelve years, eight months, and twenty-two days), so Rewritten!Ebony may seem a little underdeveloped when she gets to that part), and the fact that the Rewritten story so far has done nothing to deserve flames, most of this A/N is redundant.

"Now we shall move on to the second part of the lesson, the plot. In the original, the main points were, one, to have Ebony believe Draco had cheated on with Harry, and two, to have Ebony run off into the Forbidden Forest. In the rewrite, we shall change this to Ebony having her first tutoring session with Daphne Greengrass, and Draco asking her out on a second date.

"Now for the last part of the lesson, the rewrite. Here is the original chapter, bar sexual situations and cussing:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went to his room and locked the door. Then….**

 **WHAT? YOU SAY. WHY HAS THE AUTHOR LEFT OUT A PARAGRAPH? YOU SAY. TRUST ME, YOU** _ **DON'T**_ **WANT TO KNOW. NO REALLY, YOU DON'T.**

" **Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words….. Vampire!**

 **I was so angry.**

" **You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

" **No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**

" **No you ****ing idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

 **I put on my clothes al huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what and everything but I was to mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**

" **VAMPIRE POTTER YOU MOTHER****ER!" I yelled.**

"As you can see, Ebony begins her development to Super-Sue by jumping to conclusions, dumping her boyfriend, and running into classes for needless disruptions, an action that should get her suspended. It is at this point that the Rewrite really breaks off from the Original and begins to become a fanfiction in its own right, as the plot has become nonsensical.

"Now we shall rewrite the chapter, keeping in mind changes already made, and the ones we discussed in this lesson. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **As the day wore on, I dreaded the tutoring session with Slytherin's Ice Queen more and more. Willow was speaking to me again, but was completely unsympathetic towards my current plight. I was sitting in the Slytherin common room now, slowly counting down my last seconds of freedom before Greengrass snapped me up.**

 **Draco sidled up to me, trying, for once in his life, to look as inconspicuous as possible. He failed spectacularly.**

" **So Ebony, I was wondering…" he gulped, trying to fortify his courage, "Do you want to have go for a walk beside the Black Lake after dinner tomorrow?"**

" **Like a date?" I asked, and immediately regretted it.**

" **Yeah, sort of, we could get a picnic basket from the kitchens, I guess," he said.**

" **Sure," I replied. At least I had an excuse for avoiding Greengrass tomorrow.**

 **Plus, Draco was kind of cute.**

 **Don't tell anyone I said that.**

 **Draco left, going back to his friends, Theodore and Blaise, to proclaim his success while Blaise smirked and Theodore listened with a rapt gaze.**

 **My last seconds of Greengrass-free time slipped by, and Greengrass and I were soon seated in an unused classroom, poring over Herbology books.**

" **So…. You water it… every three days with four gallons of water? That's what the books say, but it never seems to work," said Greengrass, brow furrowed in puzzlement.**

 **I sighed. "The books contain a very base care routine for the Venomous Tentacula, in actuality, the best way to water them is to put three drops of diluted Bobotuber pus for every two gallons. Tentacula's are very tough, they can take it, and it stops them from getting acne as many are prone to do."**

" **I see…" she still sounded unsure.**

" **Ask Professor Sprout if you doubt my word," I huffed.**

" **Will do," she said frostily.**

 **What** _ **have**_ **I gotten myself into?**

A/N: The time has come…. Who shall be the Rewrite's villain? Vote for one of the three choices below.

Fenrir Greyback

Rabastan Lestrange

Luscious Badboy


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Special thanks to hickorydaisy, GunsFallSilent, KOTORgeek13, Auror Dafni, and pulyauthorgirl.

The votes are as follows:

Luscious Badboy: 1

Rabastan Lestrange: 1

Fenrir Greyback: 3

Congratulations Fenrir! You have the honor of being the Rewrite's villain! *Hands him trophy* Um, Fenrir? Why are you growling? I think you forgot to shave this morning…. OH CRAP!

Without further ado, here's your chappie!

Chapter 8

Green Grass and Greengrass

Ariana was, once again, at the podium waiting for her students. The clock's hands were moving agonizingly slow, but the last few minutes trickled away, and it was time to start.

"Good evening, class. Today we will be rewriting chapter eight of My Immortal. This chapter has only two problems, namely Hermione's house switch and random, unannounced POV changes.

"Once again, Tara moves a character, Hermione Granger, from Gryffindor to SLytherin, using religion and fashion choices as a base to her argument. As previously discussed, this is unacceptable.

"The next problem is the random POV changes. Near the end, it switches to Draco's POV for a paragraph, with no announcement, and then, a paragraph later, back to Ebony's POV, again with no warning!

"Both of these can be fixed by simply eliminating the from the Rewrite altogether.

"Now on to the next part of the lesson, the A/N. Here is the original:"

 **Chapter 8.**

 **AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!**

"This A/N is very short, and fights a futile battle of getting reviewers to stop flaming the story. As we can assume that no-one is flaming the rewrite, for the first time, the A/N rewrite is completely different from the original, as is the rewritten chapter. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **Chapter 8**

 **A/N: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed!**

"Now we shall move on to the second part of the rewrite, the plot. The original plot points were, one, to have Ebony confront Vampire about the assumed cheating, and two, to have Ebony run, furious, into the Forbidden Forest. We shall change this to Ebony thinking about her tutoring sessions with Daphne Greengrass, having her second date with Draco, and the two fall asleep under the tree.

"Now for the last part of the Rewrite, the chapter. Here is the Original:"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXX**

 **Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**

" **Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**

 **My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents were vampires and one of them was a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out that her last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.)**

" **What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.**

" **Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**

 **I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he like Britney, a stupid preppy ****er. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

" **But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**

" **Yeah ****ing right! **** off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**

"As you can see, the Original is riddled with basic spelling and grammar errors. We shall rewrite this chapter, keeping in mind changes already made and the ones discussed in this lesson. Here is the rewritten version:"

 **It had been about a week since I had started tutoring Greengrass. She had made a lot of progress in Herbology, I was proud to say. On Monday I had asked Sprout to change partners from Willow to Greengrass, and I think that helped her a lot.**

 **It was now Saturday, and the previous week's downpour had returned with gusto. My date with Draco was tonight, and, unlike the last time, we were just going to take a picnic down to the Black Lake.**

 **It didn't stop me being nervous.**

 **Willow had hounded me relentlessly, but eventually conceded that we were perfectly safe, but I had had to promise to stay in sight of the castle – and Willow.**

 **I was in my dorm, waiting for Willow to hurry up and let me in the bathroom that we shared.**

 **Twenty minutes later, I was trying not to fall over as I went down the stairs in high heels – high heels! Of all the things to wear, what had possessed me to wear high heels!**

 **Draco was waiting for me when I got down.**

" **Hey, Ebony," he said.**

" **Hey."**

 **We walked to the kitchens, chattering all the way.**

 **Once at the kitchens, a house elf greeted us.**

" **What can Mipsy be doing for sir and miss?" she (she? He? Who can tell with those little buggers, anyway?) squeaked.**

" **A picnic basket for two, please," said Draco.**

 **The house elf soon returned with a picnic basket overflowing with chicken, salads, sandwiches, cakes, butterbeer, and pumpkin juice. How were we going to eat it all?**

 **Draco and I walked down to the Black Lake, searching for a shady spot. We eventually found an old Willow tree, which I took to be a warning. (I won't leave the grounds, Willow!) The tree was fairly close to the Forbidden Forest. I could see from here the dark foliage that was probably obscuring all natural light.**

 **Regardless of whether it was Forbidden, I probably wouldn't go in there anyway. It looked scary.**

 **No, really. It was scary. I went in on a bet in my fifth year, was chased by a werewolf, and almost got expelled.**

 **We sat down, spreading out the blanket that Mipsy had packed for us. I got out the plates and set about dishing up as much of the food as our plates would hold, in an attempt to use up all the food that Mipsy had given us.**

" **Why'd Mipsy give us so much?' I asked Draco.**

" **It's just their nature," said Draco, "They worry about humans. Think we're helpless. It's actually kind of funny watching them scurry around, trying to make us stuff fifths in our poor, bloated bellies. We have a house elf, Georgie, and he used to be my nanny."**

 **I was quiet. The Malfoy's had a house elf? Just how rich were they?**

 **We ate our meal, I supplemented with blood (animal, people actually think vampires drink human blood? That's barbaric! I would never! The things people will believe about vampires!).**

 **Then, something happened that, in the years to come, Ebony would wish desperately that she could go back in time and shake herself awake, and take herself and Draco back to the safety of Hogwarts. But the past cannot be changed**

 **Ebony and Draco drifted off to sleep, oblivious.**

"This concludes the rewrite of chapter eight," said Ariana.

The students left, and no-one saw her cackle madly, waving her notes around in the dark, singing 'Ding! Dong! The Sue is dead!'

If only the Sue _was_ dead.

A/N: Thanks to every person – or entity – that's reviewed!s


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